I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
As shirtless as possible
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
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