just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Randomize