i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Randomize
