im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
