I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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