I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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