My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
