happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
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