...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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