I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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