So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I can't turn off my feet"
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I'm like, not good at living.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
