Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
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