My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
