If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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