Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
