I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
