Even the bartender felt bad for me
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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