your parents love me but you hate me
lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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