I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
True strength comes from lack of pants
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize