i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
bring money and cleavage
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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