Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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