im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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