Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
