Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
