Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
