I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
