Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
