1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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