Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Randomize
