Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
