Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
