omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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