there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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