It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
