You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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