I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize