1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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