"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
