MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
