We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
This house was built for laser tag.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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