You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
