I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
