Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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