I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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