You kept calling me your small dog last night.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
