I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Randomize
