When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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