Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
