just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Drunk is a universal language darling
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