i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Randomize