Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
