she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
