i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
