So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I smell like Dick and happiness
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
