Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Randomize