Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
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