i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
