dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
