I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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