you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
