I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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