dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
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