I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
