I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
This baby is an asshole
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize