Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Randomize
